Love/Hate/Tinder

People who are married, or in long term relationships, tend to have this very specific look when the topic of modern dating springs up. It’s this strange mix of sympathy, curiosity and horror. And I don’t blame them: dating right now is probably the most difficult thing ever in the whole entire world. I mean, I seriously love to exaggerate- but this is no exaggeration. It’s some sort of insane minefield which nobody is ever quite able to navigate- **with the one and only exception** of those people who are somehow in a relationship with someone they found on Tinder. Which is incredible to me- I cannot bloody believe it. Hats off to them, because these people are like modern day Romeo and Juliet’s- if Romeo had the choice of idly swiping through swathes of women to get to his one true love, or vice versa, because feminism. If I’m honest, I hate the app and I think it is the work of Satan (although sometimes if you go to another city the boys are really, really hot).

This hatred isn’t unfounded, I have been on about 10 Tinder dates, and all of them have been equally as traumatising as the last. Off the top of my head, one of the guys had all of his pictures taken from below so he was actually a foot shorter than me when he arrived. He also didn’t take his hat off the whole time, and didn’t ask me any questions!!! Imagine someone just talking about their band and how much they love Radiohead for 2 whole hours- I was honestly dumbfounded, because I don’t like talking about music that sad old men masturbate to in a darkened room. So I lied and said I had to get my last train at 8.35pm. As one last ditch attempt at salvaging the evening, he later texted to tell me he ‘had a nice time bro’. Honestly, may our lord Jesus Christ have mercy, because I didn’t know we were still saying “bro”, especially to people with VAGINAS. I have repressed a lot of other Tinder date memories because they are equal parts woeful and distressing, however I basically do feel like the internet is an apocalypse and true love has died, only to have been replaced by a ‘u up?’ DM on Instagram at 1.46am on a Sunday Morning.

For this reason, I have 100% swiped my last swipe- but also because I do not have enough memory on my phone for this empty, soul sucking app. Although in renouncing Tinder, I’ve gotten to wondering how people ever manage to go on a date without it! None of my friends are in relationships because they are all narcissists (kidding, sorry I’m just making a joke guys), so I can’t even ask them how they met their lovers or significant others. I think people only really meet in work or school or by smiling at each other on trains? I can’t really say for sure though, this is purely speculative. I guess people used to speak to one another on long journeys on public transport, like in that fucking boring movie Before Sunrise. But now everyone is too busy reading erotic e-novels on their phones or browsing niche websites for handmade crockery. Okay probably not, but still, the vast majority of people don’t talk like they used to. If a strange person comes up and talks to me I know I would rather be sitting by myself thinking about periods and feminism and listening to music. I guess if you were bored you might want to speak to more people and then you might fall in love and feel fulfilled in a very traditional sense. But god doesn’t that sound boring and let’s be honest, it’s a lot more fun reading erotic e-novels :))

As a brief summary: love is dead, tinder sucks, guys are dicks, & don’t watch Before Sunrise. Although don’t take this too seriously- all the planets are in retrograde and I really just don’t have my shit together right now lmao x

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