Going it Alone

Not so long ago, I took myself out on a date, because…why the heck not?! I entered the restaurant, the waiter looked and me and smiled, he asked ‘Table for two?’, and I said ‘No it’s just me tonight’, in this very coy way, like a war widow in an old film, or someone who is really, really lonely and has lost the plot. So anyways, I went to my table for one and I didn’t have to wait for anyone else to choose what they wanted (because I am a very quick reader and can decide almost instantly) and I just went for it and I thought about some really nice stuff and I just drank my wine and that was all that happened. AND it was probably the best date I’ve ever been on! The food was great, the company was sublime, nobody was annoying or rude (well that’s not strictly true, because I am really annoying even inside my own head) – what wasn’t to love? It was probably better than every single date I have been on this year combined and I am not even slightly exaggerating. I felt very modern, like a high powered woman who doesn’t need anyone except food and money to keep her company. I looked about the restaurant and smiled to myself, knowing that I was ahead of my time, a true trailblazer who doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. And as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the way out, I winked at my reflection and thought, man what a catch. And although I didn’t really wink at myself in the mirror, and I’m not seriously going to start dating myself and taking myself out for nice meals all the time (although now I am writing it, this doesn’t actually seem like a terrible idea) it does kind of make me wonder why people are so afraid of their own company.

I love doing stuff by myself. For me, this was a product of emerging from a long term relationship, like a butterfly from a cocoon! Yep, after you’ve finished eating and crying and you finally-inally get your shit together, its like a brand new shiny person has been created. There is so much time for activities! Your brain gets bigger! You can do whatever you want and the world is your oyster! There are a lot of things that I am really excited to do in 2017 and these are : become a martial arts master, take scuba lessons, finish Ulysses (lol was meant to read it for class like 5 years ago, don’t think this will happen), become super mindful and get better at yoga so I can do headstands! I am honestly so excited for all these things! And if I manage to contain this zeal for life (and for list-making) which writing this piece has awakened within me and return to some kind of salient point, I guess what I am trying to say is that it is really healthy to be alone sometimes. Not like “sitting in a cave up a hill pondering the meaning of life” kind of alone or “staring at a wall listening to The Sound of Silence in a darkened room” (although if that works, then you do you), I mean like going to the cinema (which can be annoying if its a long ass movie and you need to pee halfway through and you don’t have anyone to explain the plot which you’ve missed so you have to hold if for three hours) or going and walking about and stuff. There is a lot of pressure for people to be in a relationship, I’ve lost count of how many times people ask if I’m seeing someone, or tell me I should have a boyfriend by now. Sorry if I do not have the time to spend half my life reassuring a guy that his hair looks okay, or wondering why this ungrateful idiot is liking all of @sexysarah101’s pics on Instagram. I just do not have the energy for that, as I am really into my career and becoming a martial arts expert, okay? It’s probably got to do with the fact that forty years ago, I would have been married off by now to some guy who sands trees down into tables during the day and then demands I make him some sort of meatloaf for dinner at night. That is absolutely fine and well, but I don’t know how to make a meatloaf, nor do I understand how that has translated to the modern idea that being in a relationship is understood to equal personal happiness. I am loathe to revert to this overused quote, but it works in this context so well— “if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else”. So yep basically just rock out, be a bad ass bitch, and don’t be afraid of your own company. And take yourself on a date once in a while, you deserve it x

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